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Hercules Games
In this installment, Jon reviews eleven Hercules Games in an attempt to become immortal. Plot Jon plays Tarzan on the N64, stating that its a Hercules game. Jacques then enters the room stating that he's returned from the war in Vietnam. Jon shows Jacques Tarzan and then begins to sing, which causes Jacques to explode. Jon then states that he wishes to become immortal like Hercules to spend his life playing games and Jacques berates him. Jon then begins the episode. Hercules Lore *Currently unfinished Jon tried to review the 12 games of hercules, however, due to inter-galactic psy-wave alien interference, all the cartridges of all Hercules were destroyed, and only 10 different games were spared. The psy-shock also caused Jon wanting to kill himself, and it worked. There is a clear morale for this story over here. Cast *Jon *Jacques Script in brackets = text not spoken but shown on screen. Jon: And they said Kratos was the best hero...shish...they got it wrong sister. Hercules is clearly better. He even has a coconut weapon. Jacques: Jon, I am finally back from Vietnam. Lol. IS BACK FROM WAR GUYS! Jon: Jacques! Come here! I want to show you, I'm playing a game based on my favorite Greek legend, Hercules. [DISNEY'S TARZAN (For the N64)] Jacques: I'm glad to see nothing has changed around here. Jon: Two words...one family! Jacques: Fuck this shit. Jon: Tall men walk through the sky! ... Wait a second, Jacques. I've got it! Hercules went through his 12 trials to become immortal right? Well, I mean, I don't want to stop playing games or doing the things I love to do with you or even making this show! Jacques: Hasn't stopped you before. Jon: I want to become immortal, too, Jacques. Just like hercules! By playing the 12 games or Herc- wait what did you just fucking say to me? KICK IT! START THE PARTY! {JonTron Intro} Jon: Hercules! Greek myths have always been a fascinating subject to me. Tales of treacherous journeys and epic voyages across the sea. Mythological beasts of old and the very fabric of nature itself. They tell of humans creating larger than life heroes and gods in their own flawed image. No one is safe from his or her own (universe?). So to make an example of my point I'm going to play a Hercules game on the Commodore 64. It's called Hercules. What a name. I guess they didn't have to try back then, it was the 80s all they had to worry about was Ronald Reagan talking about Gorbachev! More like the Commodore Sixty-Bore! Heh heh, just kidding, it was actually revolutionary. ... That's what I call music. Now you know me and everybody's favorite part of Hercules myth was horse, sheep, lion, barn, ... uh... not sure what this is but it fits in. It fits in good. Alright, good thing, we got some back story here. Let's begin! ... Ooooooooooo! So yeah, apparently you die instantly if you don't start to move. I'm not fucking around I'm talking like instantly! I mean what kind of legendary reflexes do they expect people to have, I mean at this point they barely mastered Galaga! As soon as you die it skips you ahead randomly to the next level or something, so you don't even have a chance to learn what you did wrong in the first place. And before you know it, it's over. What the hell is this shit? This was so jarring to me that I actually had to go online and check if that's the way the game is supposed to be, it's not just broken. And yeah. That's the way the game was supposed to be. Who would do this? Who...would DO THIS? It's absolutely random, it's like the 1980s version of I Want to Be the Guy. You jump here, platform turns invisible, fire, DEAD! You jump there, fire, DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! Hey, at least I can get the big sleep, so I don't have to play this game. And I'm not talking about the Salvador Dali painting. Oh yeah, Herc. Climb those ropes. Climb those ropes, baby, so close! Almost at the exit. So close, come on! Oh, come on! I'm done with this. Believe it or not there's actually another Hercules related game on the Commodore 64. It's called "Hercules: Slayer of the Damned!" I guess they just couldn't get enough of that generic 80s mythos back in the day! What with the hot pink! Who ever heard of a game being on a cassette tape? Let's boot it up, ladies and gentlemen. NOISE IT MADE Well, hi there! What are you up to today? Pffffff...what? Well, I gotta say. There is not much to this one. You just...you just sorta beat the shit out of this guy. And then, theres all these things going on in the corners of the screen that I just... I just have no idea what the hell... There's actually other versions of this game on consoles like the ZX Spectrum and the MSX. Yeah! ... Ho ho ho ho. Is that the way you're gonna pla- No thank you! I'm not dancing this dance today! Or should I say shufflin' this shuffle. Next! As for some of the early video game industry's more interesting takes on Hercules fable, we have... DFC-HE? It's a...It's a lady...I don't know what that says. It's a Famicom RPG... Glory of Hercules! ...And quite honestly, I could not tell you what the hell is going on in it. This rather unknown series is still going on today on the Nintendo DS under the same name! Who'd a thought? So here's a little known classic on the PS1. Herc's Advenutes. And it's all thanks to the military industrial complex. Truth be told, I don't even know where I'm getting these games from. Now if we're being strict on mythological cannon here, this is actually hercules. As you can see here, he is the Hercules of legend... they just call him Herc. It counts. You can also pick from mythological characters Atlanta and Jason...if you're stupid! I don't know who'd wanna play these two! One's a city in Georgia, the other's a regular name! Naw, I wanna play as Hercules, that sounds just a bit too much like Dan Castellaneta. Herc: Don't worry. I'm Hercules! Jon: So it's basically just a Diablo style beat-em-up. It's pretty cool, honestly. One of the better lesser-known games out there for the PS1. The art style's sweet! And the music sounds a mere lawsuit level of similar to Star Wars. IV HERC'S ADVENTURES At one point in time the creators of Herc's Adventures decided that they did not give a shit. They were like, whatever, I like Star Wars, and so do most people, so why don't we just use the music from that and just change a few notes. "That's genius, Arthur!" said Milton from the back of the room. The funny thing about this is that Milton has been dead for about 13 years. In fact, it is still a mystery how he knew Arthur's name given that Arthur was a recent tranfer* from Montreal. How dare them. Huh? Not yet! I'm too young! Zeus: Good work so far! But you still have a long way to go. Seek out the help of my fellow... Jon: Oh yeah? Myeah. Yes. Yep. Gotcha. Fantastic. Unbelievable. Zeus: Hades has many allies. In fact, there's a couple of hundred of them just up ahead. Jon: Couple of what of them? Zeus: Couple of hundred of them. Jon: Couple of hundred of them? Zeus: COUPLE OF HUNDRED OF THEM just up ahead. So, good luck. Jon: Thank you. Zeus: I mean, good luck! Jon: Thank you? Hades: Uheheheheh...I shall defeat you, and then you shall serve me in the land... Jon: Excuse me, Hades. Do you think you could speak up a bit? Hades: You shall serve me in the land of the dead. Jon: You shall serve me in the land of the dead. That's how he talks. Everything here really shines- Oh wait, what's that? GYROS TO RESTORE HEALTH! The day has come. The news that was sent to change my life has fallen upon me. Imma be right back. He's going to get a gyro. Although it's technically pronounce yee-ro. Although I still wanna call it a gyro, 'cause it sounds cooler! Ughh! My stomach! Cameraman: Dude, you gonna be all right? Jon: Dude, shut up! Disney's Hercules! Finally, a familiar face. And, hey, this movie has always been one of my favorites. So, let's see what this one has to offer. These games just keep showing up at my house while I'm sleeping, man. This game is actually freaking awesome! Awesome music! Awesome and punchy sound effects! Responsive controls. And Danny Devito that talks to you! Kick it, Danny! Danny: Woo woo woo! Alright! Rule number 95, kid, concentrate! Jehck-oo khookhoo! What are you doing? Get your sword! Jon: I'll get my suuuooooorrrd for you, Danny! Well, that's...well, that's...well, that's just not right at all I wouldn't think. The game functions on a 2D plain that usually consists of sprites. It's all very interesting and exciting and just dang fun to play. I'd have to say it can easily be considered a hidden gem on the PS1. I mean, come one! Just listen to Danny Devito's conviction. Danny: Jehck-oo khookhoo! Jon: It's a thing of beauty. You hear that guy? You hear the truth in that dialogue? We're all living a human condition but he is speaking it. I mean, after something like this it couldn't get any better, right? It's tops! We had fun! We're in ecstacy. Wrong! The Game Boy version's a piece of shit. Have a look for yourself. I'm sure it'll be an enriching experience. LOOK FOR BONUSES IN THE TREES! Now listen to me, if everybody was critical of everything all the time the world would be a dull place. So let's start with the positives. At least it gave me a milliseconds preview of the game before shovin' a hint in my fuckin' face! Hercules, look for bonuses in the trees... what does that mean, dude? Hm, if there was ever anything to give me the goosepimples, it's probably that. Now, that's just weird! That's like starting a game off being like, "Hercules, remember the scent of mother!" Like, what the fuck, dude? I'm receptive, don't start me off with that, ease me into this shit! Ohkay? Don't just start off gung ho, don't play your royal flush right away. I always save a royal flush when playing poker, the...the...the thing is don't play poker with me. ... Oh my god, this music. That sounds nothing like Disney's Hercules! That doesn't even sound like it could go in the special features on the DVD. It's just one of those songs that drones on and on and on! Perfectly, complementing the gameplay I might add. And these hints just keep popping up! Hercules, beware of fireballs. Hercules, beware of spite and jealousy! This game is pure action. I'm talking this game is so much action that if there was a war protest, this game will be there in Time Square picketing before the feminists got there. That looks more like Luke Skywalker than Disney's fucking Hercules. He does some weird run if you mess around with the buttons, I don't know what it does though. This game is an ungodly ammount of hard. One fuck-up and you're dead. And back to the beginning. Love it. I mean, come on! How do I get on this vine? I'm inching so slowly and I CAN'T get...I CAN'T GET IT! Oh, I see, you gotta do this bullshit to get it. Of course. Good luck landing that. This game is clearly ment to be an acrobatic platformer, as you can see. Well, while we're over here we might as well rave about it. ... Now, I have to say though. It's kinda cool when he swings his sword. It feels like there's some real weight to it. Now that would be all there is to say about the Disney Hercules games, but there's one last strange addition to add to this collection. Hercules 2 for the Sega Genesis? Okay, that's right. There's a pirated version of the PS1 edition for the Sega Genesis called... Hercules 2. That sure makes a lot of sense. Random Kid: What?! You didn't even- Oh my god! Jon: Where was Hercules 1 exactly? Someone fill me in on this. Also what's with the snapping? Did you mean to use this sound effect? This game is really odd. It uses a lot of the same sound bites only incredibly bit crushed. GAMEPLAY! Yeah, no. I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna do this. Hercules does what Nintendercules. Alright, last on our list! Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. You know, like the TV show. With Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or whoever the fuck that was. Fabio? Al Pacino? Fonzie? The fact that there's a game of this verifies that someone out there hates me. Hercules TV edition! ... god, this menu music makes me feel like I'm about to embark on an educational adventure or something. I'm not knocking that. Cause I wanna do that. So I hope that's what's going to happen. The brain is made up of billions and billions of neurons. Stay a while, friend, and I will tell you an epic tale. Yes, mm, I'm buying it. Clearly, that is the gate of a man who has an epic tale to tell. Blah blah. Blah blah! Okay, probably something about Dracula or werewolves. Let's do this hoopderscotch! Good morning, Hercules. It is time to train! Follow me outside so that we may begin. I don't feel... I don't feel like I'm being treated appropriately here. Trivia *This episode features a cold opening. *In the Star Wars style backstory, it is likely that Jon overlooked this typo where "transfer" was spelt as "tranfer".